When Papa’s Gone: A Clinician's Journey Through Grief and Healing

 By Kyra Dinniny, B.S., Counselor Intern

“How could I ever forget my sweet Kyra?”  

One Week Later 

It was a cool June day of my sophomore year of high school in 2016 that I will never forget.  I was called to the front office during tenth period where my dad was waiting for me. My dad was quiet, we got in the car where he delivers news that still chill me to the bone to this day. My grandfather, who was known as my  Papa, had passed away that morning. He was three months away from his 70th birthday. I remember not feeling much in that moment, as this would lead me down a path of grief, I never thought was possible.  

During the last month of his life, my Papa suffered greatly and the way he passed was quick but devastating to our family and the community that knew him. To this day, sometimes the memories of him in the hospital crying to us are unbearable to think about. In the years that followed his funeral in June of 2016, there were many different stages and layers of grief that I experienced. Life after loss has many layers of healing. Coming up on the 9th year of his passing, I have learned how to manage the stress and hardship of life after loss with these five pillars:

1.  Healing Has No Timeline: One day you may feel no sadness, then one week it can hit you hard that your loved one is not around anymore. These feelings are normal. Recognize them and accept that it is a normal part of healing and loss. There is no normal timeline on “feeling better”. One's healing journey may be different than another and that is perfectly okay. Healing begins at your own pace. 

2.  Honor Your Loved One and the Life You Had Together: My Papa was one of the greatest men I have ever known. I still tear up thinking of him. Share stories, honor your loved one and the time and life you had together. Do things that you used to do together and think of them in a positive and happy manner. It is okay to think of the “what if they were still here?” and “they should be here” thoughts. Cherish the moments you did have and know that their spirit for life is still with you. 

3.  Lean on Your Support System: Talk and cry to your friends and family. Lean on them, make new memories and know you do not have to forget the old ones. Going to a counselor can be helpful to just have them listen to you. Recognize and perceive your emotions, maybe try understanding what is causing that certain emotion in that moment. We as humans were not meant to bottle emotions up. Talking through emotions helps you emotionally, mentally and even physically.  

4.  Lean on God: Leaning on your faith is healing. For me, knowing my Papa was in a better place with God was comforting. One time, I was sitting at my Papa’s headstone in the cemetery crying to God why he had to take him from me when I felt he had so much more life to live with our family, when a small doe appeared from the woods headed toward me. I got in my car to drive away when it started chasing after me. I took it as a sign that my crying was heard. The thought that he was no longer in pain in a higher place has brought me comfort in sad times. 

5.  Find Outlets for Stress and Sadness: Find what drives you and what makes you happy. Any hobby, big or small, can be an outlet. Take what makes you happy and let it be your stress reliever from the hardships of life and loss. Never be ashamed or embarrassed of your hobbies or outlets. Even something as small as a walk outside can release emotional tension. Remember to be patient with yourself during this process of healing.  

Final Thoughts:  

I thank God for the 16 years I had with my Papa, and I know that one day we will be reunited again. I know he is looking down on my family smiling. Our family will never forget his memory, as his life brought love, laughter and life lessons that we carry to this day. While we may never understand God’s timeline and why things happen the way they do, we know it is part of a greater story not of our own. 

Thank you for reading and as always if you need anything, we are here for you at Valor Counseling Center!

Kyra